She found herself wondering where her “friends” were when she most needed them.
And why she felt that no one took her opinions or ideas seriously.
What a waste it was that she was scared to share her beautiful creations.
Or that she settled for what he gave her, and didn’t strive for what she deserved.

He realized that his imperfections were acceptable. He was human after all.
She realized that her insecurities were acceptable. She was human after all.
And I think that maybe, just maybe what he desired the most,
was to strive to be what she deserved.
They were human after all.

I think I know what determination feels like…

I fell asleep at work. I work in the technology support department of my university in the call center. I’d had a rough week and didn’t get as much sleep as I should have the night before. I fell asleep in front of my computer, with my headset still on my head, with phones in the office still ringing, with co-workers still doing work. Leaned back in my chair, head lolling, sleeping. Not too interesting that I fell asleep at work, admittedly it wasn’t the first time I’d done this; because in that particular environment if you haven’t gotten your eight hours, the “job” certainly won’t keep you up. What was interesting however was the way I felt when I woke up, I felt the usual grogginess but with an unusual lack of physical and mental strength. Conveniently, I woke up just as my shift had ended and so I began packing my things so I could get going. Packing my things was a challenge, literally picking up my three pound laptop and putting it in my bag was so exerting I had to take a short pause to catch my breath and summon some more strength. I got my things packed, said a lackluster good-bye to my co-workers and headed out of the office.

I felt tired, mentally and physically, and I began to feel lonely. I contemplated the prospect of going back to my room alone, and getting into bed and falling asleep, and that option certainly didn’t feel very appealing to me. I wondered to myself just then, had I missed any calls while I was asleep? More hoping that I did than wondering if this really was the case, and I pulled my phone off of the clip that normally keeps it securely attached to my waist to looked at the screen: two missed calls from my mother and text message and twenty-nine missed calls, from one person, a friend of mine with whom I probably spend way too much time with considering how briefly we’ve known each other. I called her back, and she answered the phone sobbing.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her in the most genuinely concerned voice I could muster given my current state.

“Where were you?” She replied.

“I just got off work, you know I was at work today, right?”

“Yes.” she sobbed. “What are you doing now?”

“I’m coming over by you. I’m about to head down the stairs here.”

“Why are you coming by me?”

I decided to be as honest as possible. “Well umm, I was kinda depressed and I don’t want to go back to my room, and be alone”

“That’s good.” She slightly chuckled. I could tell that she was relieved in some sense.

“I feel like I have no energy.” I said as I started heading down the stairs.

“What do you mean?”

“I just feel like, it’s such a drain on me, just to walk” My voice echoed off the walls of the stairwell.

“I feel like I can’t even deal with life” she countered.

“Well I’ll help you if you help me”

“Ok.” She sort of laughed again, starting to sniffle now more than sob.

I got down the stairs, finally, after no small effort and become completely disoriented. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which side of the building I came out of, or which direction I should head in to get to her place. My little remaining strength left me and I collapsed on the cold concrete.

“Kyle! What happened? Hello?”

“Hey…” I answered, out of breath. “I’m here, I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“What happened?” She was worried, “What was that noise I heard?”

“I fell” I tried to chuckle, “I came out of the stairwell and I swear my legs decided, no more.”

“Are you okay?

“Yes. I’m fine, I’m fine.” I repeated.

I was now looking around to determine what direction I should head in and also trying to get to my feet again. It was dark outside, evening dark with the last bits of day to be seen only in the distance through the spaces between buildings. I was having a hard time seeing, things seemed so much harder to discern than they should have been and it took me longer that I expected to figure out what direction exactly I should be going in. That was the first part.

The second part was finding the strength to continue on, I felt as if I was in one of those movies where the main character had been traveling for days to some distant destination without food or water and on this, the last leg of their journey the only thing that kept them going was their sheer determination to reach their destination. I know it sounds funny, but I really did feel this way.

“I’m on my way, I’ll see you in a couple of minutes okay?” I breathed into the mouthpiece.

“Ok.” She paused, “Are you sure you’re alright Kyle?”

“Yes. I’ll see you soon”

“Ok. Bye.”

“Bye.” I said. She hung up.

God himself must have been testing my determination and will at this point, because once I actually figured out which direction I should go in. I couldn’t seem to be able to take one productive step forward. I couldn’t see properly and for that I was punished by some inconsiderate architect who apparently really wanted to design skate parks and not buildings because he, or she decided that the building would look better if the area outside wasn’t flat concrete, but rather had small steps in some places, small ramps in others, what could only be described as rectangular holes about one by two feet big and big steps in other areas where the ground itself would step up about half a foot. I stumbled into one of these holes and fell hard. At this point I couldn’t yet see her building but I was certain of its presence, and I pushed myself up and continued only to be taken surprise again by a sudden change in the height of the ground, and what a huge step it was. This time I pushed myself up only to my hands and knees and I crawled like a baby for some distance before again attempting to give both my legs and the terrain another try. Give my legs another try. I probably should have just found a soft concrete step to sit on and rested enough to just go home. Trying to make it to her, was starting to be harder than I was willing to try. Of course she wasn’t the only person to benefit, I did in fact want her company and it was right then that I was deciding how much it wanted her company. Meanwhile people were walking right past me, oblivious to my presence or even existence, or maybe they just couldn’t comprehend why a grown man would be crawling like a baby out in public. Not that I could blame them.

I came to the conclusion, after considering the amount of kids I saw on rollerblades and skateboards rolling or flying past me that the architect must be very happy, wherever they were that their design was being used to its full potential.

It turns out, I wanted to be with her pretty bad. Back on my feet, I came to a water fountain. It was dry right at this moment but I could only imagine how beautiful it would look with water shooting out of its fountain-like top and then splashing down, and cascading over the black rails and down the concrete steps before coming to a rest in the shallow rectangular pool. There were more skaters taking advantage of the fountains’ current drought by grinding on the rails and jumping off the steps, and I looked at the fountain wondering how to get across. Under normal circumstances I would have just walked across, ducked under some rails, jumped up some steps and climbed my way through but with my current energy level as low as the amount of water currently in the pool that wasn’t an option. It was getting darker by the second, and I had somewhere to be. I looked around again, for a path, or a bridge or even a sign that said ‘This Way’. After a few seconds I saw a small bridge that was meant to allow people to pass over the shallow pool when it was filled. The bridge was over to my far right and it seemed again that for reasons beyond my control things were laid out to be as difficult as possible this evening.

She needs to me to be there, I thought to my self, and I need to be there for me.

I started towards the bridge.

I felt tired, mentally and physically, and I began to feel lonely. I contemplated the prospect of going back to my room alone, and getting into bed and falling asleep, and that option certainly didn’t feel very appealing to me. I wondered to myself just then, had I missed any calls while I was asleep? More hoping that I did than wondering if this really was the case, and I pulled my phone off of the clip that normally keeps it securely attached to my waist to looked at the screen: two missed calls from my mother and text message and twenty-nine missed calls, from one person, a friend of mine with whom I probably spend way too much time with considering how briefly we’ve known each other. I called her back, and she answered the phone sobbing.
“What’s wrong?”  I asked her in the most genuinely concerned voice I could muster given my current state.
“Where were you?” She replied.
“I just got off work, you know I was at work today, right?”
“Yes.” she sobbed. “What are you doing now?”
“I’m coming over by you. I’m about to head down the stairs here.”
“Why are you coming by me?”
I decided to be as honest as possible. “Well umm, I was kinda depressed and I don’t want to go back to my room, and be alone”
“That’s good.” She slightly chuckled. I could tell that she was relieved in some sense.
“I feel like I have no energy.” I said as I started heading down the stairs.
“What do you mean?”
“I just feel like, it’s such a drain on me, just to walk” My voice echoed off the walls of the stairwell.
“I feel like I can’t even deal with life” she countered.
“Well I’ll help you if you help me”
“Ok.” She sort of laughed again, starting to sniffle now more than sob.
I got down the stairs, finally, after no small effort and become completely disoriented. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which side of the building I came out of, or which direction I should head in to get to her place. My little remaining strength left me and I collapsed on the cold concrete.
“Kyle! What happened? Hello?”
“Hey…” I answered, out of breath. “I’m here, I’m fine. I’m fine.”
“What happened?” She was worried, “What was that noise I heard?”
“I fell” I tried to chuckle, “I came out of the stairwell and I swear my legs decided, no more.”
“Are you okay?
“Yes. I’m fine, I’m fine.” I repeated.

I was now looking around to determine what direction I should head in and also trying to get to my feet again. I was dark outside, evening dark with the last bits of day to be seen only in the distance through the spaces between buildings. I was having a hard time seeing, things seemed so much harder to discern than should have been and it took me longer that I expected to figure out what direction exactly I should be going in. That was the first part.

The second part was finding the strength to continue on, I felt as if I was in one of those movies where the main character had been traveling for days to some distant destination without food or water and on this, the last leg of their journey the only thing that kept them going was their sheer determination to reach their destination. I know it sounds funny, but I really did feel this way.

“I’m on my way, I’ll see you in a couple of minutes okay?” I breathed into the mouthpiece.
“Ok.” She paused, “Are you sure you’re alright Kyle?”
“Yes. I’ll see you soon”
“Ok. Bye.”
“Bye.” I said. She hung up.

God himself must have been testing my determination and will at this point, because once I actually figured out which direction I should go in. I couldn’t seem to be able to take one productive step forward. I couldn’t see properly and for that I was punished by some inconsiderate architect who apparently really wanted to design skate parks and not buildings because they decided that they building would look better if the area outside  wasn’t flat concrete, but rather had small steps in some places, small ramps in others, what could only be described as rectangular holes about one by two feet big and big steps in other areas where the ground itself would step up about half a foot. I stumbled into one of these holes and fell hard. At this point I couldn’t yet see her building by I was certain of its presence, and I pushed myself up and continued only to be taken surprise again by a sudden change in the height of the ground, and what a huge step it was. This time I pushed myself up only to my hands and knees and I crawled like a baby for some distance before again attempting to give both my legs and the terrain another try. Give my legs another try. I probably should have just found a soft concrete step to sit on and rested enough to just go home. Trying to make it to her, was starting to be harder than I was willing to try. Of course she wasn’t the only person to benefit, I did in fact want her company and it was right then that I was deciding how much it wanted her company. Meanwhile people were walking right past me, oblivious to my presence or even existence, or maybe they just couldn’t comprehend why a grown man would be crawling like a baby out in public. Not that I could blame them.

I came to the conclusion, after considering the amount of kids I saw on rollerblades and skateboards rolling or flying past me that the architect must be very happy, wherever they were that their design was being used to its full potential.

It turns out, I wanted to be with her pretty bad. Back on my feet, I came to a water fountain. It was dry right at this moment but I could only imagine how beautiful it would look with water shooting out of its fountain like top and then splashing down, and cascading over the black rails and down the concrete steps before coming to a rest in the shallow rectangular pool. There were more skaters  taking advantage of the fountains current drought grinding on the rails and jumping off the steps, and I looked at the fountain wondering how to get across. Under normal circumstances I would have just walked across, ducked under some rails, jumped up some steps and climbed my way through but with my current energy level as low as the amount of water currently in the pool that wasn’t an option. It was getting darker by the second, and I had somewhere to be. I looked around again, for a path, or a bridge or even a sign that said ‘This Way’. After a few seconds I saw a small bridge that was meant to allow people to pass over the shallow pool when it was filled. The bridge was over to my far right and it seemed again that for reasons that beyond my control things were laid out to be as difficult as possible this evening.

She needs to me to be there, I thought to my self, and I need to be there for me.

I started towards the bridge.

Welcome to challenge.
Welcome to fear and uncertainty and courage.
Welcome to belief and faith.
Welcome to hard work.
Welcome to hope.

Welcome to the year two thousand and eight.

Enjoy your stay.

Freedom, though you may think it the most, is of much lesser importance. You must give of yourself in all aspects, completely with no remorse of a life once had and no hesitation. If you can do this, you are well on your way. Your time, which was once limitless, is no more so and your clock is now ticking. Get used to it because this is the life you are choosing. If you’ve never felt pain before prepare yourself, pain is part of the package and drugs won’t always help. Do not be surprised when your heart hurts and you must rely on time to ease the pain. Your travel will be curtailed; no longer can you be where you wish on a whim. Go now only where your body can take you and take him or her with you. You will tire, sleep and rest will beckon and you will be compelled to answer, there is less time in the world already. You will need nourishment and food takes time to prepare and consume, it is essential to your continued existence. So many things you must now rely on for life. Will you take on this one?

Will you sacrifice you freedom to be tethered to the one you love? Will you give completely to your love so that they may experience the fullness of you? Your time is now short, and being so precious will you spend all you can with them? So that when time runs out you have had many special moments together. The pain you must endure may be eased by him or her and their words and company will help time move a little faster in making you ok again. You will not get up and go the way you used to but now you may take them by the hand and enjoy the trip so much more with their company. When you rest and when you sleep, what a perfect opportunity to lay next them. Hold them, and feel them, and smell them and taste them, and even spend you dreamy moments with them in your arms. Along with the food you take time preparing together embrace the chance to allow them to nourish your body, heart and soul, things that food and drink cannot subside.

Have you found the person you will fall for? The person worthy enough of your love that you will give up your high station and the life you know so that you can feel them in every way? Touch them in every way? Give and receive nourishment? Give time? Give life? Give love?

Think about it carefully.

Inspired by City of Angels

She was silent, except for her breathing which was anxious and heavy. As the water approached their knees she squeezed him even tighter. She had looked beautiful that night, in her long satin blue dress that accented every curve of her slender shape and shimmered in the light from the chandeliers above almost as brightly as her earrings and necklace did. Her hair was was done in elegant curls and her lipstick was subtle; merely accenting her lips and allowing the true beauty of her face to shine. Granted he was biased, he honestly thought that she was just as beautiful in a t-shirt, capri’s and sandals, and she was beautiful still, and now she was shivering. She was scared and she was shivering from fright as much as she was from the water that was slowly creeping past her knees. Her shivering caused him to adjust his grip around her and she relaxed a bit, she always felt comfortable and safe in him arms no matter what and just then she felt at home again. At home in the arms that have held her and helped her and consoled her and made love to her for years. She closed her eyes.

Imagine that some people, and he felt sad for those people now, never meet that one person. Some people embark on the journey of life and never, at an intersection, or rest stop or at a hotel of school or work meet the person meant to walk beside them. They start and finish the journey alone. They have friends of course, and some friends walk with them for miles but they, by some evil, cynical decision of fate never meet the one meant to walk with them forever. Even worse, some give up eventually convinced by actions of time that no such person exists for them, so imagine the horror of them meeting that person on not being able to recognize them for who they are. Like a language once spoken years ago, so is the heart, because eventually after years of neglect you’ll forget how to use it. He felt so sorry for those people. His heart hurt, the sorrow competing with the euphoric happiness inside for space for both emotions he felt so strongly. He was so happy and so sad. He closed his eyes.

He felt the water creeping up to his waist and he was content again. The extreme feelings of happiness and sadness were slowly replaced with feelings of content-ness. He remembered the adage that “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” and now when he repeated it in his head it felt inadequate, it held little meaning for him. He was lucky enough not only to have loved, but to have loved completely, not only to have loved completely but to have that love returned to him just as strong, as a pulse that beat in his heart and then in hers as it completed the circuit that was them. He was so lucky. He had been afraid of death from the time he was old enough to understand the concept and it didn’t fade and couldn’t be put into any perspective as he got older as he expected it would. He was afraid of death up a few minutes ago but it faded, still not in perspective, but the fear was gone, she had taken it away from him. As he held her and loved, her the fear, by a special spiritual and emotional osmosis travelled across the semi-permeable membrane of their love to her where it couldn’t harm him, to where it couldn’t harm her either. He began to shiver, the cold water was at his chest now, and just above her breasts as it ate away at their time the way a strong acid eats away at a metal.

“Thank You” he thought because right now when he probably should’ve been thinking about his mother and his brother and cousins all he could think of was the way the women in his arms allowed him to live the fullest life he ever could have imagined and more. All he could think of was that she was never disappointed with him and always happy to be with him even when she was angry with him. Tears attempted to drown his eyes but failed and instead fell down his face. He couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to hold her anymore, he knew that that they would always be together, in the next life, and the life after that but it was so hard to know the physical would end. He squeezed her tighter and he could hear her inhale deep and slow. He was going to miss that smell, her smell, for he was sure that he couldn’t smell where they were going and he was going miss how her hair felt on his face or how her hands and fingers felt when the touched his face or they held hands. The tears were failing miserably now and simply streamed down his face forgetting their initial intention.

He gently pulled away from her, he wanted to see her face, to look into her eyes again. As she slowly came away from him her hands moved from his back, over his shoulders, down his arms and into his hands, their fingers interlocked. There were failed tears on her face too, her eyes were red, her hair matted onto her face. She disengaged one of her hands and moved it to his face and with her palm against his face she used her thumb to wipe the tears from his eyes. She smiled at him, the softest smile ever and tilted her head ever so slightly. She wiped the tears from her eyes too and moved his hand around her waist as she looked into his heart. The water was now up to their necks and as he looked back into her dark deep eyes he whispered “I’m going to kiss you.” She smiled and nodded. Slowly, up to their tiptoes their heads touched the ceiling, the water to their chins her hands around his waist and his around hers he thought he was the luckiest man alive with his soul mate, his life mate in his arms loving him as strongly as he loved her, the deities had blessed him. And just before the water reached his mouth he took in a deep breath and she took in a deep breath and his kissed her. He kissed her so gently and stronger than ever before with the love of a lifetime traveling between their lips and the love of so much more between their bodies and they closed their eyes.

Right now though, I’m rooting for more. I’m rooting for the fact that before she left, she picked up you cell phone and took it off silent because you couldn’t hear it when she called. I’m rooting for the fact that she took care of that one very important errand so that you didn’t have to because she knew you needed to sleep. Right now, I’m rooting for the way she smiled every single time she kissed you. I’m rooting for the way I could tell that even though you were going to see her in a few hours or even minutes you wished she didn’t have to leave. I’m rooting for happiness, and the way its manifests itself when you two are simply walking, talking, holding hands.

I’m rooting for more. I’m rooting for the future and all it holds, it’s mysteries and surprises, it’s inevitable ups and downs. I’m rooting because you said “love is always doing it the hard way, if thats what it takes” and I know you will do it the hard way if thats what it takes, because some people are worth it. They just are. I’m rooting for the weeks ahead, the months, the years, the decades. I’m not worried one bit, just as five years ago I was excited about the possibilities, you’ve never disappointed. So here’s to being proud of you, as I’ve been for years, as I’ll be for years. And even though I know you don’t need it, good luck and congratulations, and remember that no matter where life or love takes you I’m rooting for you.

His face would smile,
and his heart would stall.

What fun they’d have,
they’d have a ball.

But once they’d gone,
he’d then recall…

That with them he’d rise,
but alone he’d fall.

That the brightest day,
would turn to grey rainfall.

And the biggest place,
would seem so small.

Back into the shadows,
alone he’d crawl.

And he realised that, he’d rather if,
they didn’t even, come at all.

I don’t even know what I was doing there but I knew I was supposed to be there. I knew I was meant to be there the second I saw her. I knew in my heart of hearts that God himself took the time to create her, his masterpiece. In her white dress which reached to just above her knees, and willingly followed the winds’ command. Her white sandals softly displaced the grass that was caught beneath them, but mercifully released the blades with each step and they would spring back up just as they were.

I knew she was there for me. At first it seemed as if she wasn’t concerned with my presence, it’s possible that she didn’t even see me. I know that I’d never seen her before in my short life, but I also knew that we knew each other in a way that was predetermined before either one of us was even conceived.

I’d never seen a form so well designed, her breast and buttocks in perfect, perfect proportion to her relatively small but divine frame. She was about five feet six inches (give or take an inch or two). Her skin was the color of hot caramel, like when it’s still steaming and the color hadn’t cooled and darkened yet. She looked up from the ground and when she saw me she smiled shyly and looked off to her right. Her teeth almost as white as her dress, her smile made my heart stop temporarily, and I felt elated and uncontrollably nervous all at the same time.

She took her time approaching me, walking slowly and not necessarily in a straight line. Nervous, calming anticipation, the feeling of knowing, deep down in your heart that nothing, nothing was going to go wrong. As she reached me she offered her left hand and I held it with my right. Her skin was soft and cool, as if she wasn’t affected at all by her environment like she was above it all. I pulled her in by her hand, put it around my lower back and hugged her, and as she placed her head on my right shoulder I turn my face to her neck and inhaled. I smelt her skin and her hair and held her closely, not tightly, closely. It was the sweetest smell I have ever experienced and indescribable beyond that, for my brain isn’t capable of translating the feeling of her scent into words.

I released her from my embrace and took her other hand, holding both between us we looked at each other and started walking. We were walking with no destination in mind, to the both of us I knew the only thing that mattered was that we were walking together and we walked. And together we stayed that whole time…

To this day I tell people that I’ve seen my perfect woman, the girl of my dreams, the one I want to spend the rest of my life and (if possible) my afterlife with. I fear though that I will never see her again, I think I glimpsed her some years after thousands of miles away from those woods but I could never tell if it was her. Even if I never see her again I’m eternally happy and grateful for the time I was able to spend with her that day in those woods.